I have helped many individuals and their families in times of crisis and personal growth.  I have found that when individuals are under a great deal of stress they behave in ways that aren’t typical for them and many parents find themselves at a loss in how to communicate with their children once they reach the teen years. Their loving and compliant child sometimes transforms overnight into a moody, argumentative and lazy teenager.  Parents may feel helpless and angry.  Often times a crisis with one person in the family can create an avalanche of other problems.  Parents may start arguing more frequently, or a younger child may start acting out.  When stressed out, parents often find themselves responding and behaving exactly the same way their parents did, even though they always swore they’d never do that.  I help families negotiate these growing pains in a positive way.  Sometimes it takes a trained outsider to facilitate this transition more smoothly.  There is no need to be stuck in old patterns for years or even generations.

Have you wondered why your teenager is acting like a two-year-old all over again?  Have you been confused by the mood swings?  This is normal. Adolescents are in an exciting and challenging time of life.

Some typical growing pains of adolescents:

• Dependency and Independence:  Often times, teenagers move back and forth quickly between these two extremes.  One day, your child wants to spend time with you, the next day, your child is annoyed and moody and the activities you suggest are “stupid.”  Try to have a sense of humor.

• Consequences for breaking the rules:  When you tell your child, “I don’t know yet how I’m going to handle this, I need to think about it,” it forces your child to think about his or her actions and it gives you some time and flexibility.

• Rules:  I have found that having fixed rules does not work.  For one thing, they are hard to enforce.  It’s also easy for your child to argue around them.  For example, curfews should be set based on the activity. Teenagers are usually reasonable when they see that you respect their views of what is important to them and that you can be flexible.  

• Experimentation and Peer Pressure:  Teenagers are working hard to figure out answers to important questions such as "Who am I?" or "Where do I belong?"  While looking for answers, they often "try on" different identities.  Most teenagers, to some degree, experiment with breaking the rules and this can be challenging for parents. Remember, however, that you do have the power to influence your teenager.  Even when you think your child isn’t listening, he or she is.  Your words and actions are important.